Day 6: Los Angeles

“Little by little, one travels far.” JRR Tolkien

I need to stop being so hard on myself. On one hand I think about the fact that I need to be taking every opportunity to do epic things everyday. But on the other hand, I need to realize that I'm not a superhero and have limitations. True, you set your own limits, but it seems to be that I need to take small steps toward what I want, rather than leaps and bounds. I've tried in the past to take large monster steps toward change, and it usually backfires and I end up having to backtrack and take the small steps again to fix it.

Today I had a good time and met some new people. I met up with someone who let me hang out with them and some of their friends at dyke days. It was a large picnic like setting where lesbians and queer identifying women and allies could come and hang out for the day. I was there a little earlier than the person I was meeting and that was hard in itself. I'd never met the person I was meeting up with but just the fact that I had someone to talk to at some point made me feel better. I ended up just walking around and going to the different booths they had set up, trying to challenge myself to talk to people, even though I really didn't want to. To be honest, I don't think I've ever been around that many attractive queer women in my life, which is intimidating. Eventually they showed up and I met their friends and had a really nice afternoon, getting to know them and their friends cute dog!

After the event was over I was hungry, so I went to a really kitschy Hollywood place called Pink, they serve customized hot dogs and sides to go along with them. I got the Brando dog, 9 inch hot dog, chili, onions and mustard on a bun, and onion rings. It hit the spot, but I'm sad I can't eat more because I ended up throwing away about half of it. When I was done there I got back to my airbnb and laid down with the intention of taking a quick nap and going out. My nerves got the best of me. I got scared again, I didn't want go out alone.

I feel like I put too much expectation on what I want to happen and when it doesn't happen I end up disappointed. People keep telling me how brave I am to be going on this trip by myself, and I can't stop thinking “Why can I do this trip by myself, but I can't go to a bar by myself?”. Honestly, I don't have an answer. I'm proud of myself for going and meeting a stranger in a large group setting though. I need to remember to celebrate the small victories, and not be so hard on myself for the things I'm having trouble doing. Small steps will still get you to your destination, you just have to be patient.

*Side story: When I got back to my car after dyke days was over I saw a piece of paper on my windshield, I was sure it was a ticket and was so mad because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. I pick up the paper and it was a note from someone, accusing me of chipping paint off their car because I parked too close to them. 1) we were parallel parked so even if I did hit them slightly, who cares? 2) why on earth would I hit someone, cause damage to their car, and then stay parked behind them? 3) why even leave a note if you weren't going to do anything about it? It was so passive aggressive that I felt like I was in Seattle. Needless to say, I know for a fact that I did not hit their car and that people in LA can't drive, or park, apparently.