Day 12: Humidity

“Sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired”

I'm not sure who's reading this but something about me you may not know is that I have depression and anxiety. I feel as if the depression has something I may have always struggled with without realizing it, but the anxiety didn't appear until after both of my parents died. The anxiety I suffer from is often situational, it happened a lot in a certain relationship I had, but it also creeps up on me when I'm least expecting it. The reason why I'm sharing this part of me is because I want everyone to know that it's okay to feel this way. You're not alone. Going on this trip has tested me greatly with these things that I suffer with, especially the last few days.

I'm not sure why, but suddenly I've felt extremely homesick. I'm halfway through my trip and honestly I just want to turn around and start driving home. I miss the familiar. I miss my cat, I miss my friends, I miss being able to just not do anything if I don't want to. I'm tired, I'm lonely, and the depression is really starting to take hold. Most everyone I've talked to about it tells me to just keep going, I'll regret if I give up now. I don't know what I'm going to do, but if I do decide to go home, know that it wasn't an easy choice for me.  

Yesterday I went back to downtown San Antonio. There was some things I wanted to check out before heading out to Austin. The first was the Alamo, Rene told me some history about it, but to be honest I'm not super keen on learning all about Texas history. It was interesting to walk through, it's cultural significance is very apparent in Texas. People that came through seemed very interested in all the history it had to offer. After the Alamo I went back to riverwalk and decided to take the boat tour that goes down the river that runs through town. It was about 35 minutes long and the tour guide gave several facts about the history and culture of San Antonio. I took some pretty good pictures, and sweated like a pig pretty much the whole time. I headed to the Southpark mall where Rene's brother works at Hot Topic. I was supposed to pick up something for her there and take it back to Seattle with me, but I guess it wasn't available to be sold yet so I headed out to Austin. I'm glad I got to meet Rene's brother though, he was super friendly and gave me some suggestions on where to go in Austin.

The drive to Austin was the shortest I've done so far. It was only something like 83 miles and with traffic it was an hour and 45 minutes or so. Definitely shorter than I've been driving so far. I'm staying with one of Rene’s friends at his house and am super grateful to save some money on accommodations. I went to a trendy Mexican place and got some more tacos, I need to eat some barbecue while I'm still in Texas, another friend recommended some that are on the way out of town so I figure I'll check it out tomorrow. I wanted to see some of the nightlife so I went to 6th street where they have something like 30 or 40 bars. There was live music playing all around but I wasn't really feeling any of it. I had a drink in a gay bar but it wasn't very busy so I left after that. I did discover a voodoo donuts on 6th, for those who live in Portland, it's the one and the same. I got a maple bar and decided to call it a night.

It's been the same thing for me today. I haven't been feeling very well, I came down to the Umlauf Sculpture Garden near a popular watering hole, Barton Pool. I'm actually writing this while sitting on a bench here. Although it's 100 degrees and the humidity is high, it's still enjoyable. It's quiet and peaceful and away from the hustle and bustle of the park. I needed some quiet time. My feelings and emotions are kind of out of control right now and I need to reel them in. It's okay to feel the way I do, but it doesn't feel good. I need to be okay with that.